


Hold Tight

by kpops_snail



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Sad, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-07-24 17:17:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16179608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpops_snail/pseuds/kpops_snail
Summary: Changbin struggles in silence for quite some time. When he gets found out things seem to fall apart.A story of finding help in those around you, and building a family from friends.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is really new for me. I have a long fic that I've been working on for a long time that I probably won't start posting until I'm a lot closer to finishing it, but this is gonna be a chaptered fic that I hope to finish by Monday. It's pretty dark and I definitely will say that if you're uncomfortable with this kind of story, don't read it. Let me know what you think!   
> (Also this is unedited so I'm very sorry if there are mistakes, my computer automatically changes ofs to ons and ons to ofs and sometimes I don't catch that)

“Please, please, p-please, just stop,” Changbin managed to croak out, his grip on the hair closest to his ears tightening and pulling tears from his eyes wrenched shut. 

Choked cries left Changbin’s mouth as he rocked back in forth in his bed, the dorm empty and suffocating. Changbin was used to the occasional panic, knew how to deal with the voices screaming in his head, convincing him that he wasn’t fit to be happy and successful. He knew that as long as he could do something or drown it out with music, that normally he could keep the thoughts at bay. 

But today neither of these things seemed to help. He had the day off and was specifically told to stay in the dorms, rest, recuperate. That or go do something with the other members, who conveniently all had made plans before the start of the day and the beginning of Changbin’s rapidly rising anxiety. He had walked throughout the dorm, doing small tasks throughout the morning to keep his wired mind from straying to what he could not control, yet the cacophonies of sound cluttering his racing mind only grew.

Soon he had found himself, without much recollection of how he got there, clutching Gyu and digging his nails into his scalp. He wasn’t sure how it had gotten to this point, but now he was listening to his mind prattle off specific instances of failure, embarrassment, the reasons why he should leave or disappear altogether.

He was fine, he would gather himself before the others could come home and find yet another reason to be disappointed and concerned. Changbin was a lot of things, but he wasn’t weak, he wouldn’t let his members think he was holding them back. He didn’t need to be physically strong, but he would not be weak.

Changbin shakily stood and walked to the bathroom. He was not weak. He knew what would silence everything that made him feel small. He wouldn’t let anyone or anything make him into someone that couldn’t be depended on. Standing in front of the mirror, he reached behind the lip of the medicine cabinet, pulling a small tin that rattled threateningly in the quiet room.

Inhaling a shaky breath, Changbin took the silver razor, dulled with use between his fingers and fumbled behind him to lock the door. Usually he would turn on the shower to block out any potential noise that could be made, but with all the members out of the dorm… Well there was no sense in wasting water.

He thought back to the Idol Room episode from a few weeks ago, running over the moments that had most stuck in his mind. 

“Don’t lie, you aren’t the visual!” 

Laughter. 

“Hyunjin was better!”

Said with no malice, but bruising words. Deep hitting words. Words that swam in red, bathed in darkness. So if they must be seen that way, Changbin would bring it into action. Red and dark and deep. But hidden behind smiles. After all, criticism is all the same. Who was he to ignore notes.

Changbin sat on the floor beside the sink, leaning his back against the wall, positioning himself to be close enough to the drain for quick and discreet cleanup. No chance of being careless and missing something someone else could see. No, being seen was just a confirmation of weakness. To be better, dragging blades across his skin was fine, but to be seen was worse than tears. So, he made sure to only mark where no one could see.

Lines crossed diagonal down the insides of his thighs, the lengths of his hips, the places no one could see. They were littered there, not a new habit, craftily done over stretches of time. His gaze traveled over what dug through his skin, some new and pink and raised, others long since made, but shimmering still as a constant reminder. He brought the razor to his thighs, shaking from the tenseness in his chest but stilling from the first cut. With the sight of blood beading on his thigh, Changbin felt his breath even out and his mind quiet. 

The relief only grew as the number of cuts increased, Changbin seeing more red than tanned skin. Once the noise in his head stopped, he began to clean up the mess he made. He started by placing his razor back inside its box and hidden on the shelf, important that no one sees what can only be described as a destructive habit.

As he finishes cleaning, watching crimson swirl down the floor drain and cleaning his nail beds of color no one would notice, he hears the front door open and the scuffling of one or two members entering. He quickly pulls on the joggers he was wearing and exits into the hall, hoping for some sort of interaction so he doesn’t slip back into the noise of the early morning. He finds Chan and Woojin sitting on the couch and slips back into normalcy and comfort, relaxing in the presence of his hyungs, pushing any hints of pain from his face. 

Refusal to acknowledge what he’d just done the best way to keep it from coming to light. No one would know. No one could know.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No one could know. That was the thought Changbin repeated as he found himself in the same precarious position as several days before, but much more apprehensive. He hadn’t intended to start something he couldn’t finish quickly while other members were in the house. Namely Chan and Woojin. Who he was discovering needed to use the restroom.

This had never happened before. He had never been so close to being found out. Scrambling against the floor he quickly ran a cup of water over the red seeping into the grout and placed his tin back on its shelf. Clambering to get out of his clothes, he slipped into the running shower, thanking his earlier caution. 

“Hyung, the door’s open! You can just come in.” Changbin called out to Chan hoping the strain in his voice was unnoticed. He slowly cleaned the cuts lining his thighs while he stood in the shower, grateful for the curtain sectioning him off from the rest of the room.

Chan pulled the door open, closing it as he moved to take care on his basic needs. A low chuckle escaped his throat.

“Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to have a dorm with more than one bathroom when we move again.” Chan spoke to Changbin who busied himself in the shower. “Then we won’t bother worrying if someone’s in the shower, right Binnie?”

Changbin murmured, still feeling the effects of his actions moments earlier. He didn’t realise that his behavior was beginning to stand out to Chan. The long silences, the smiles that never really spread beyond his mouth, the way he shied away from touch that before he would seek out. The leader was worried about him, but had nothing to say so far. As he exited the bathroom, he didn’t miss the sound of Changbin’s sigh as he closed the door, afraid of how anxious it made him feel.

He didn’t forget the moment, but Chan also didn’t let it consume his mind. He was a busy leader, compositions, coordinating, and corralling the boys was enough to worry about. Changbin was two years younger than him, he would come to him if he needed him. If only he had asked.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If only he’d asked for help. Changbin knew his habits were getting out on hand when even after the bleeding had stopped but he could see more red than skin. His hands had begun to shake and he would space out when practice finished. The once effervescent member had become resigned and distant, drawing away from his found family in the early evenings. 

He hadn’t realised either that the older members were beginning to notice that he was more distant than before. They would see the small moments where he would pull away, when he would position himself where physical contact was not as easy, how his smile grew smaller day by day. They hardly even remembered when they last saw him truly laugh, beyond the occasional forced chuckle.

Chan was struggling to get much from the boy other than the lyrics he handed over dutifully. Every day patterned much the same. Wake up, practice, work on new music, go home, sleep (read: work some more), repeat. There wasn’t room for much else, not that anyone saw. No one but Chan, who unfortunately was awake just as often as Changbin. He thought that perhaps it was just the insomnia that also kept him awake, but it quickly grew into other fears.

Chan works hard. He gets back from the studio most days when the youngest members are waking up for school, but it doesn’t slip past him that Changbin is out of their room just as frequently. It all comes to head on a night when they both should be catching up on the sleep they miss more often than not.

But Changbin doesn’t. 

Chan slips into the dorm at around 11 and immediately finds a near silent dorm. It was an off night, of course the members should be sleeping, but he finds himself still hearing the running of a shower. Drowsily, Chan knocks on the door to the bathroom.

“Ya, who’s still showering? Manager wanted us to get a full night’s sleep,” he chuckled lowly into the door, no animosity in his tone.

He was surprised to hear a strangled sob in return and scrambling to shut off the water, his heart clenching in panic for whoever felt they had to struggle alone in the shower.

“Hey, hey, come on, who’s in there? I was kidding. What’s wrong?” He said a little more apprehensive and carefully.

“It’s just me Channie-hyung, don’t worry. I’m alright,” Chan got as a soft reply.

“Binnie, let me in. Ok? What’s wrong?” Chan’s heart sped as he turned the locked handle, trying to reach the boy he’d already been worrying about. All the worries he’d previously had multiplied when he realised that maybe these past few weeks he’d been right to worry.

Moments later, Changbin opened the door, slipping past a concerned and perplexed Chan to enter their room without a word. It was as if he was simply going to pretend nothing was wrong. Chan just looked forward into the bathroom as if it had personally offended him, a frown knit between his brows. His gaze traced every surface looking for some clue or answer to what had just happened. Finding nothing and snapping out of his stupor, he turned to the room he shared with Changbin and walked in.

Changbin was curled up in the corner, headphones in his ears and wrapped in a blanket, apparently thinking that appearing to be asleep would get him out of talking about what just happened. Chan huffed quietly to himself before ripping the blanket off on Changbin.

He expected annoyance or some sort of resistance from the boy. 

What he didn’t expect was a stream of tears to flow down his Binnie’s cheeks.

Chan’s breath caught and he leaned forward to pull the younger into his arms only to hear small whimpers and light shoves to his hands. Chan was nothing but confused as he sat down on the side of the bed, caught between wanting to touch and comfort but scared of hurting? the boy beside him. 

He eventually settled on reaching forwards and brushing the tears off the cheeks of his friend, angered by their presence. When the breathing stilled in the room Chan tentatively reached for Changbin’s hands. He pulled the boy closer and lifted his head.

“Please. Please talk to me. I don’t want to hear someone I care about crying alone.” Chan pleaded, holding Changbin’s head in his hands, imploring him to open up to him.

Changbin weakly shook his head, breaking eye contact to look at his hands. His pulled brow, frowning at his own hands, every furious glance at himself giving way to thoughts he’d just managed to silence to come pouring back into the forefront of his mind. Everything he’d worked to hide was building to a culmination in front of his friend and his leader, and there was no way he’d be able to hide this if he didn’t get away.

Chan saw some sort of battle occurring in his friend’s eyes, his breath speeding and shortening, hands shaking. He wasn’t sure Bin even realised he was losing himself in the moment, so he dropped his hands to his thighs, meant to caress the stress away.

What he meant to do did not include the abrupt shift in Changbin, the feeling of bandages and lumps beneath the thin joggers, the immediate sobs pouring out of Changbin’s mouth.

“I’m fine. I swear, this is nothing! This is nothing, I-I’m okay! Don’t. Don’t make me leave! I’m okay, Channie you know me! I’m okay. Please, please don’t make me go away.” Bin’s chest was heaving with the pressure of his breaths, clinging to Chan, looking deep into his eyes as tears poured down his face. 

Chan’s hands, still rested on Changbin’s upper legs as he tried to collect himself. He was confused, and scared and worried about what he knew he was about to uncover. He slowly raised a hand to the back of Changbin’s neck, comforting him before he spoke. 

“Binnie, I need you to take off your pants. I need you to show me what’s underneath,” he started, slowly and composed at the beginning, breaking towards the end of the sentences.

Changbin’s tears hadn’t stopped, he lost all control. He was adamantly looking down at his sheets now. He knew what Chan said, he had complete certainty there was no way he was getting out of this situation, but he refused to move. He heard a low exhale from the boy from in front of him before he shifted again.

“Binnie. I know you heard me. Please. I need to see.”

Shifting forward, Changbin stood right next to the bed. He reached for his waistband, looking down at the floor before he turned to look at Chan.

“Please, don’t make me do this. Please.”

“Binnie, I need to know.”

“I don’t want you to hate me.” 

This phrase was said so weakly that Chan simply pulled the boy into a hug. He knew what he was about to see. He knew he would see something heartbreaking and horrible. He’d see skin that was as sad as the soul of the boy in front of him, so for now he held him, whispering loving phrases into his hair.

“Binnie. I will never hate you. Nothing you do could make me hate you. You are my friend, one of the people I will always hold closest to my heart, you couldn’t do anything to make me hate you. Nothing short of leaving this earth would keep me from keeping you this close to me for the rest of my life. But please, please. You have to let me see.”

Changbin pulled back shakily, standing where he had minutes before. He pulled the waistband of his joggers down to his ankles, pausing before he stood back up. When he looked at Chan’s face, he felt tears prick the corners of his eyes. He knew it was ugly and horrible, but god, to see such disgust on Chan’s face he felt small.

He bent to pull his pants back up, to cover himself, when he felt a hand wrap around his wrist. Looking up, he was pulled to Chan, being wrapped in shaking arms and held tight to his friend’s chest. 

“I’m so sorry. Hyung is so sorry he wasn’t there for you. I am so so sorry Binnie. God, please forgive me. I can’t even begin to apologize,” Chan whimpered into the back of Changbin’s neck.

“Hyung, this isn’t something you should apologize for. It’s alright. It was all me. I’m not good enough, there was nothing you could have done, it’s all me.”

At this, Chan stood up and left the room, furiously rubbing the tears from his eyes, unable to do anything but let them fall down his cheeks as he went to collect himself in the kitchen before he could ruin anything by saying something he shouldn’t.

‘Oh.’ Changbin thought. ‘Oh, I’ve ruined everything.’

After a few moments of sitting alone, not hearing anyone come from the hallway, Changbin pulled his pants back over his legs and locked the door. He ruined everything, his leader couldn’t even look at him.

He hadn’t even realised that he didn’t think of Chan as his friend as he sat on the edge of his bed, not really knowing where his identity ran off to, just that it no longer seemed to sit behind his own eyes. His actions not even his own.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chan couldn’t think straight. He closed his eyes and saw the lines that marred his friend’s skin, lines wasn’t even the right word, they were gash marks that tore through his body and into his soul. Chan felt that he could’ve seen straight through him if he looked a little closer, but god, he didn’t want to.

He didn’t even think twice before he’d pulled Changbin into his arms, gushing out his apologies and hoping somehow something he’d said would stick. He hadn’t seen any of this, he’d been rooming with him and he hadn’t seen. He was a failure as an older brother and a friend, no right to be called hyung. 

But Changbin simply pulled back and put all the blame on himself, chastised himself while comforting Chan, and he felt sick. He couldn’t be there, so he slipped out of the room without a word. He hadn’t even realised yet that he hadn’t said anything to Binnie before he’d gone until that moment. He was scrambling away from the table and back to the hall, pulling on the handle. He heard movement inside, but strained against the locked door.

“Bin, let me in! Binnie, I didn’t mean to just leave you. Let me in, please Binnie!”

Chan wasn’t paying attention to how loud he was being, to the marks from pressing hard against the door frame, he was simply needing to show Changbin that it was ok, they would get through it. But it seemed on the other side of the door there was nothing but scuffling feet and quiet, breathy sobs.

Hyunjin exited his room into the hall and Jisung stood in the door frame watching before Hyunjin spoke, slightly confused as to why he and the rest of the building was being woken up.

“Hyung, what are you doing? The whole dorm’s awake at this point.”

“I-I need to get in. If I don’t get in, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I need to get in,” Chan nearly shouted at the boy, collapsing against the door. He wasn’t even sure anything was happening in his room, but here he was so out of control and trapped in confusion.

Hyunjin walked over, concern written across his face, and leaned in to his hyung’s face. He pressed the back of his hand on his forehead as if to check his sanity through his body temperature.

“Hyung, are you alright?”

“Please, just help me get in.”

At this moment, Jisung strided over and reached above the door frame. He grabbed the small silver key and placed it in the lock above his leader’s head. With a sigh he pulled Chan up and turned the key. As soon as the door opened the three boys were met with a quiet Changbin sitting in shorts along the end of Chan’s bed. He held a paper in his hand and seemed unaware of the boys watching him furiously scratch word after word into the page.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Morning After
> 
> Chan and the rest of Stray Kids sit down to talk about everything that's been learned, but a revelation no one was expecting leaves more questions than answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry y'all that I posted this so late. I know I said I would try to get this out last weekend but I had some family issues that arose that prevented me from writing at all. I hope y'all enjoy this next chapter and let me know what you think. I won't make any promises of when the next one will come out, but I already have half of it written. Enjoy!!

Of the three Jisung was the most composed as he walked over and pulled the items out of the boy’s hands, setting them behind him. He then pulled him into his lap and smoothed circles into his spine, stilling every movement he made. Jisung knew there were tears rolling down his face, but he could not find it in himself to move away.

Hyunjin had simply stumbled to Changbin’s bed and sat, unable to process all the new information he’d learned in the past few minutes. 

Chan though, Chan stopped completely in his tracks. He stared at his dongsaeng before sinking to the floor, shuddering in relief. He wasn’t aware how consumed he was with the fear of facing something he couldn’t fix, couldn’t do anything about. He was disgusted with his inability to do anything and again was finding himself wanting to leave the room, leave the person he’d let down. 

“You’re so fucking disgusting.” Chan whispered into the still air of the room. The implication of his words hit Chan before anyone reacted. He started clawing at the sides of his face, anxiety building in his chest.

You failed him. You’re a terrible leader. Even now you can’t help him, listen to you. No wonder he’s suffering, he probably thinks you meant him.

JIsung heard what Chan said, and just as he was about to tell off his leader for being so insensitive, he saw his hyung curled up on the floor clawing the sides of his face.

“Hyunjin, please… Get him to stop. He’s going to hurt himself,” Jisung choked out, clutching Changbin tighter, not wanting him to see his friend falling apart.

Hyunjin slid to the floor, crawling to his hyung, pulling the other’s hands from his face. He whispered senseless phrases of comfort into the crown of his head, trying to stop anything.

The room’s atmosphere changed from tense and sad, to quiet and tired as the whimpers faded away and the encompassing exhaustion left all in the room sleeping peacefully. The next morning could deal with the new problems and feelings. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chan was the first to wake, disoriented from the sudden onslaught of memories from the night before. Almost wondering whether he dreamed it, he crawled over to Jisung and Changbin tangled in his bed sheets. 

That's not uncommon. Sometimes they sleep in here. Maybe. 

Chan pulled back the sheets with eyes closed, he held his breath as he opened them. His heart sank as he looked down at shorts and scars. He checked the clock and saw that the time was still far too early to justify waking everyone up to talk. Things could wait until it was past four a.m. He wasn't cruel. 

Moving into the same seat from the night before, Chan placed his head in his hands on the kitchen table. How many weeks had he noticed little things about Changbin that just felt off? How many times had he brushed it off because, “Changbin is an adult, he’ll come to me if he needs me.”

Chan should've been there, should have asked him anything. Should’ve asked when he saw him stumbling into bed at 4 a.m. for the third time in four days, when he hardly flinched at running into a corner of a table but shrunk back at a hand resting on his side. Chan wasn’t leading anyone at this rate; he was holding an empty leash as he dragged it beside him. 

His thoughts ran past him a mile a minute and he couldn’t focus on much around him. It wasn’t emptiness filling the space between his lungs, it was doubt and disappointment laced with the poison of disgust. Poison that seeped into his bones and weighed him down. He was fully consumed by his own dialogue that when a concerned Woojin sat beside him it took almost a minute for him to acknowledge the other’s presence. 

“Chan, what’s going on? You been up for long? I know you haven’t been sleeping well but you-”

“I let us fall apart hyung.” Chan interrupted, undisturbed and blank features staring down into the whirls of the wooden table.

Woojin let out a nervous laugh, hoping that the leader was being simply melodramatic, playing up some small problem for his only hyung. But he was worried by the lack of emotion in his voice, the absence of any note of stress lining his features. Just a blank slate sitting beside him.

“Ah, Channie you didn’t let anything fall apart. We’re all nine, we’re working hard, we’re doing just fine.” Woojin placed his hand on the younger’s back and smoothed small circles into his shoulder blades.

It wasn’t loud or obvious, but a minute or two into the silence between them tears began streaming from Chan’s eyes. Woojin looked over and gasped lowly. 

“Chan…” he tried to start his sentence but didn’t even know what was wrong.

“What time is it?”

“Just after seven. Channie?”

“Go wake up the other rooms. Jisung and Hyunjin were in my room last night. We’re having a team meeting in the living room. It’s a free morning and I need to talk with everyone.” Chan spoke low and paced really focusing of getting every word out.

Woojin simply nodded at his dongsaeng and went to the rooms letting his confusion settle comfortably between his brows giving him a somewhat furrowed look. 

Chan walked back to his room, tentative strides and shallow breaths. He woke Hyunjin easily and told him to wait for a group meeting in the living room. Jisung woke with some subtle prodding and gentle whispers but was underneath Changbin. Chan wasn’t sure what to do, he looked dead to the world sleeping in Jisung’s arms. He likely had slept more in that night than he had in a while, but Chan needed the group to be together of things. To be there for one another. So he woke him.

“Binnie, wake up. Open your eyes,” Chan murmured, gently squeezing the boy’s shoulders. After several moments he saw fluttering eyelids and confused glances. 

“Hyung?”

“Yes Binnie?”

“Why is Sungie here, did I?” Changbin’s breath began to pick up as he began to shuffle in the sheets, quickly taking note of his surroundings and his attire.

“We’re having a group meeting Binnie. Get dressed and meet in the living room alright? We have some things I think we should all talk about.” Chan said as warmly as he could. He wouldn’t force his friend to leave the room in clothes he wasn’t usually comfortable in, but there was no way he would beat around the bush. Things were out of hand and it was bigger than any one of them.

As the nine boys gathered in the living room, all in different states of waking up and being ready for the day. Jeongin was still wrapped in a blanket and curled up next to Woojin, whereas Felix seemed to have already completely woken up, bringing coffee to his members and making small talk.

Chan took in the casual air that five of his members had, anticipating that this meeting was like the many others, that someone had started an argument and that this was to resolve and move forward from it. But there were traces of confusion, no one had fought and unless someone was fighting in the few precious hours they got to sleep, no one knew who had argued. One look at Hyunjin and Jisung told Chan that they were looking forward to this meeting as much as he was. Hyunjin had the same blank expression he’d had the night before, staring straight into his cup of coffee, ignoring the playful banter around him. Jisung had a tight smile plastered on his face. He definitely was attempting to keep up his usual airs, but even he couldn’t keep the occasional sad wash coat his eyes, fighting every urge to glance towards Changbin was in his room.

As Changbin finally entered the room Chan noticed that he’d donned his normal sweats and a long sleeved black t-shirt. He took a seat next to Felix with a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Felix simply pulled the boy closer, wrapping his arm around his back and settling it on his hip. The slight flinch that crossed his face was missed by the boy as he leaned into his hyung.

After everyone had settled somewhat, eyes moved to Chan, waiting for their not-quite-official meeting to start and for everyone to find out who was rude this time. But at the sight of Chan looking down at his lap, wringing his hands everyone’s chatter quieted. 

A few moments into the silence, Chan looked up at the boys around him with tears in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry if any of you felt like you couldn’t come to me with anything. I’m supposed to lead you and I’ve let you down. A leader is supposed to be there for his team, supposed to help and guide them, and I haven’t done that.” 

Protests filled everyone’s mouths and as the room began to get noisier Hyunjin strode over to Chan and slapped him across the face. 

“How dare you.” he nearly snarled.

Chan simply stared back at the boy with his mouth agape, unsure of how to respond. Before he could say anything the younger continued desperately.

“How can you even say that? You can’t really believe that he blames any of this of you! Every single one of us knows you’ve worked your ass off, sacrificing your own comfort and happiness for us. He doesn’t want to pile on, for fucks sake Chan. He loves you and so do we, please. We know what you’ve gone through, you’re not even ok yourself. Please,” Hyunjin blurts, gesturing vaguely behind him at Changbin. 

Chan felt his breath hitch and was about to say something when he heard quiet blubbering. He expected to look behind Hyunjin and see Changbin with tears in his eyes ready to speak out about his current problems, but instead he saw Felix clutching his hyung’s sleeve crying into his arm.

“Felix…” Chan started

“Hyu-hyung, I’m so sorry. I should’ve told someone that I was struggling, I should’ve said something, but everyone was already so stressed. I thought so long as I could keep dancing and performing it’d be ok, that no one even needed to know, but now you do and hyungie, I’m so sorry I made you feel so sad.” Felix had no filter as the words came out somewhat garbled and borderline too quickly.

“Felix, what are you talking about?” Chan mumbled, his chest growing tighter as his mind struggled to place what this revelation meant. Not only was Changbin quietly suffering, but Felix too? Shit he wasn’t ready to hear seemed to come from every direction.

“W-what?” Felix whimpered.

As the younger glanced around the room at the eyes staring at him, he made to stand and leave the room but Changbin simply held him at his side.

“Hyungie, let me go,” Felix pleaded, gripping his thigh tightly looking frantic.

“Felix, you’re hurting me. I need you to let go of my cuts, okay? We’re here to talk about how fucked up I am and then we can talk about whatever you’re going through. Okay, baby? It’s alright,” he spoke quietly running a hand through Felix’s hair, trying to ease the fear straight out of his eyes and through the strands of hair, not leaving the boy time to acknowledge much on what he said, “It’s going to be okay, baby. Just sit down, love.”

As Felix settled against his side, ignoring the various shocked expressions around him, Changbin turned to look at the other members with a neutral expression.

“Okay. So now we know what’s going on. Mostly. Let’s talk,” Changbin stated unperturbed.

Every face in the room remained frozen for just a moment until Jisung spoke up, breaking the heavy silence. 

“Hyung, I’m scared you’re going to disappear. Please. Please don’t leave us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and again sorry for the wait. Hit me up on twitter (@kpops_snail), and send requests if anyone would like to see a specific group, artist, situation, etc. I'm open to almost anything! Have a great night/day y'all!

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for leaving it at this point. I really didn't want to drag this chapter out past where it is. The next chapter should probably be up tomorrow or Friday. Come be friends on Twitter @kpops_snail, or leave a comment!! Love y'all.


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